Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pockets of Grief

I feel like I haven't been doing anything that I regularly do lately. Everything that I used to do, doesn't feel the same right now. My Grandpa passed away last Tuesday after battling cancer for a few years. I've been wanting to write about him for days. I just feel that anything I write won't accurately express how grateful I am for the time I had with him. This past year, I was able to see him throughout the whole year, and I loved it.

I kept on thinking, I didn't get enough time with him. When I went to his visitation, I walked into the room with my cousin, and some of the first words out of my mouth were, "I didn't get enough time." I wanted more time so desperately. My cousin responded with, "You got the whole last week with him." She's right too. There were two days that I got to spend the whole day with him. It was absolutely wonderful. At one point he told me, "I got to be your Grandpa this year." I felt really loved by him when he said that.

My mom also got to spend a lot of good time with him. He was her dad. The picture above is from when we visited him at his house in March. I'm going to remember all the time I had with him, and the visits that I had with him and my family. It truly was a wonderful gift.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Two Saturdays ago, I went and visited my Grandpa in the rehab center that he has been staying at for almost a month now. I am so grateful that I went and visited him. I can't begin to tell you how great it was to talk to him and have an hour or so alone-one on one. I talked to him about newly married life. How I really live in the country now and how I love it. We talked about our chickens and ducks and showed him pictures of them. We also talked about how me and my siblings swam in the pool and played in the field at his house with our cousins. I had some of the best times at his house. I told him I always had a good time when I visited. I think it made him feel good to hear that.

I don't think I ever talked to him with just us. It was a special time that I'll never forget. It brought tears to my eyes when he told me how unhappy he was living at the rehab center. I tried putting myself in his situation. He has been independent up until now. He was living in his own in his house with his cute puppy. I could completely understand why he would hate it... I know I would as well. Throughout our conversation, I tried to remind him about all the people who love him and care for him. He smiled and agreed with me. I couldn't help but think what a good guy he is. I haven't had a lot of time with him these past several years and it saddens me. That's what I thought about after I had left. After, he had told me he love me twice.

I don't want to let go of him. I want a chance to talk to him more. To know him...

Yesterday, Bill and I went Barrington to visit him. He had been up all day, because his back was hurting him. I talked to him for fifteen minutes with Bill. I started crying more. He seemed so sad. We left early, since he needed to go to bed. I said goodbye to my aunt who has been taking great care of grandpa, her dad. She's been a huge blessing to him.

That night, I prayed with Bill that he would always feel taken care of whether he is on earth with us or in Heaven with God... I want him to feel loved. I want him to always feel that. This evening, my mom called me and told me that they found a way to have my Grandpa live at his house with care. I can't explain my emotion other than I felt so much relief for him. Life is so precious and fragile, and I'm so glad that he is going to spend his time at his home. He deserves that...

I felt like I was able to concentrate better tonight after hearing that, and I got a few things done including some decorations for our reception. I couldn't have done it without some help that I had from Colleen. :) Her boyfriend is my husband's brother. Funny thing is she lives in the same neighborhood as my Grandpa. Small world, huh?

Here are some of the jars we decorated! I am also going to make white laced jars with pink ribbon.

Crafting is therapeutic.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Tunnel Vision

This week, my mind has been racing with ideas about different things. I want to plan for the reception that we are having in June. It's less than a month a way. I have the paper goods, tables and chairs, and the cake accounted for, but now I am thinking of decorations for it. I found a cute idea in the Martha Stewart magazine. I know crazy, right? haha

I'm thinking about carving out a couple of hours this Saturday for brainstorming. I'm starting to think that is only way I'll have a couple of productive hours. I'm usually not so distracted, but lately, there are so many things going on that I'm finding it hard to concentrate on one specific thing. My thoughts are usually preoccupied with the reception-I'm incredibly excited for it! Last night, Bill and I went out to dinner at a restaurant that reminded me of Portillos. After dinner, we went to one of the most impressive libraries I've ever been to. I checked out 4 books there. One was Bill's of course. They told me that I could check out 30 items at a time! I couldn't believe that! 30 items?? That is amazing to me that they would trust me or anyone not to lose any of them. Anyways, it was a really successful trip. I found 3 interesting books that I'm looking forward to reading soon.

It was a relaxing night that I needed more than I realized. I think if it wasn't for Bill, I would run around trying to get all of these things done all the time. He teaches me to relax when I don't really see any other option than to keep planning for something like the reception. I get tunnel vision a lot sometimes. I like being organized and "knowing all my ducks are lined up in a row." My dad says that about me all the time.  He knows how much of an A-type personality I am. Bill on the other hand is way more relaxed and easy-going. It's not to say that I am not calm, but we definitely go together well since we aren't both perfectionists. :) I'm so glad he is my calm, smart, strong husband. He's the best.



Tuesday, May 1, 2012

a new home for my hostas.

I've never really spent so much time in the garden than I have last night and a couple of weeks ago! My mom gave me around 10-15 hostas to plant around my house and last night, I spent a couple hours deciding where to put them, digging holes, and planting them. Bill helped me dig the holes. I was contending with tree roots-which wasn't too bad. I had a lot of fun deciding where to put them. They all look beautiful in their new home. I will post some pictures of their new spot soon!